Not Joanna, Bones
by BlueChaosTamer
Summary: Different moments in which McCoy's fatherly instincts react to Jim's antics and he refers to him as Jo or Joanna. It's not his fault his Captain acts like a kid. Or 4 times Bones accidentally calls Jim Jo or Joanna and one time he calls Spock Jo and Kirk has an existential crisis. Humor, slight drama, but mostly humor. McCoy/Kirk, but nothing too inappropriate. T for language.


**Disclaimers:** I don't own Star Trek, its characters, or any other references made.

a/n: So I am actually a Spones shipper, but I do think that the AOS dynamic between Kirk and McCoy kinda had me leaning a bit toward McKirk. Bones loves Jim, but damn this guy's such a kid.

* * *

 **Not Joanna, Bones**

 _1\. The Academy_

The first time McCoy did it was at the Academy. It was an accident, really, and he meant no harm. It was habit. It was also Jim's fault. If the kid would only learn how to take care of himself and act appropriately, he wouldn't have slipped. He was a father at heart, dammit. That and he was still in the middle of a hangover from the night before. But it was really Jim's fault.

"Please Bones," Jim pleaded, his hands curled together as he sat crossed leg on his bed across from Bones. "No," McCoy replied tiredly, typing away at his PADD. Jim crossed his arms, "It's just one party, why can't you ever have fun with me? You were basically doing the same thing yesterday." The doctor scrubbed his face, "I'm tired, Jim. I want to finish this lab report and then I'm just going to knock out. I had my fill in the bars yesterday."

"You can't be serious," the blond replied, "Break just started, why can't we hang out? Please?" he narrowed his eyes, "that report isn't due until next Thursday. I should know. I checked your syllabus."

"I gave my answer," the older man growled, geez, he forgot what he was going to write next, "stop distracting me," he muttered trying to recall the information he was about to input. He opened up several of his sources, searching for textual evidence he was going to insert.

"Please? Pretty Please?" he smiled pitifully, something McCoy couldn't see because he was distracted, "Pretty please with a cherry on top? Pleeeeaaseeee."

McCoy glared at his PADD attempting to concentrate. Jim tried again, but Leonard interrupted him with a very authorities voice, "What did I already say Jo?" Just as that phrase slipped him mouth, he lightened up slightly, as he found the text he was looking for. It took him a moment to note something was wrong. The silence was his first indicator because that was not natural, and then he proceeded to rewind what he said to figure out why Jim wasn't talking… Oh. He turned to look at his roommate, and Jim had one questioning brow raised.

McCoy immediately flushed, "I, uh, sorry Jim, I didn't mean that."

Jim snickered, "Jo? God, I'm mortified, Bones," he attempted to prevent himself from laughing outwardly. The doctor bristled, "Now listen here, if anyone should be embarrassed, it should be you for acting so much like a child that I mistook you for my daughter." "Your making me uncomfortable, Bones," Jim winced, but still had a teasing glint on his eyes.

Bones facepalmed, but at least Jim did him the favor and didn't ask him to join him anymore.

* * *

 _2\. On the way to the Enterprise_

"Bones, get that thing off of my face," Kirk ordered in a deadpanned voice.

"Stop avoiding my physicals and maybe I will," McCoy countered, The Captain rolled his eyes, "We just started this mission, what exactly am I getting checked for?" "Considering you are the most allergy-prone man I've ever come across, quite a lot," the man looked quite pleased with having the captain trapped the seat next to him. He wouldn't escape medical care now. Problem was that they were in a shuttle. Once the engine started, his stomach lurched, "Good grief," he huffed out, clutching his stomach.

"I swear Bones, if you throw up on me," Kirk threatened, but his voice sounded more concerned than threatening. He reached over to place a hand on his shoulder.

Spock seated himself on the other side of Kirk, "Considering the amount of times the doctor has stated this throughout the day, it is very unlikely that he will be making use of his excretory system."

Bones snorted, "You make it sound like I'm about to pull down my hunches and release my business for the world to see."

"Unnecessary visual, Bones," Kirk grimaced, and he felt cold metal on his cheek, "Are you kidding me? Aren't you feeling sick?"

"Taking care of you distracts me," Bones commented. Kirk smirked at him, "How generous of you." "Shut your trap, kid," the doctor muttered. The shuttle began to move, and Bones held tightly on the armrest with his free hand.

Spock stared at the doctor with frowned. He cast a glance at his Captain before he made his inquiry, "How are the Captain's vitals, doctor?"

Bones blinked, "What? Oh, uh," he looked down at his readings, "Nice and chirpy, unlike me," he muttered under his breath.

"See?" Jim said, "I didn't need the physical," he paused, looking back and forth between his officers, "Wait, why do I get the middle seat?" he was at the verge of pouting, "I wanted a window seat."

Spock raised his brow, "I simply took the last seat available, Captain. You seemed to have chosen the seat in the middle." Kirk glanced at his CMO, _because Bones was sitting there…_

Bones frowned, "I'd trade you, but Spock would snitch on us over violating shuttle safety. And I don't know how I feel about being beltless on a moving shuttle." He closed his eyes and started murmuring rude metaphors.

Kirk chuckled, "Oh Spock wouldn't snitch, would you Spock?" he turned to the Vulcan. He had one brow raised with a dead expression. Jim pursed his lips, slowly looking away, "Of course you would," he muttered.

"You will be able to have a satisfactory view of travel upon arriving to your Captain's chair, Captain," Spock informed the blond, "it is unreasonable, perhaps even childish, to concern yourself over seating arrangement, especially if it is for a short period of time."

Kirk leaned back on his chair, crossing his legs, "Every view counts to me, Mr. Spock. I like seeing where I'm going." Suddenly, the shuttle began to shake hard, and all three officers were forced forward.

McCoy quickly reached his arm protectively to hold back Jim from falling forward, "Careful Jo!" he cried out instinctively, looking around for the source of danger. He didn't notice Jim give him an amused expression. Spock stared at the doctor's protective arm with a hint of incredulity. "Sorry officers, simply a technical difficulty," the intercom sounded. Bones seemed to have snapped out of his muse and looked over at his arm still held in front of Jim. He looked up at his friends and quickly snapped his hand back on his armrest, "force of habit," he grumbled before looking anywhere but at the two gentlemen.

Jim chuckled as he turned the com on, "Captain Kirk here, what was the issue?"

"Uh," the officer at the other end sounded sheepish, "one of our pilots accidentally engaged the internal dampener as we were in flight."

"Unbelievable," McCoy muttered.

"Was it Sulu?" Kirk asked, glancing at Spock with a teasing glint.

* * *

 _3\. The Med Bay_

He thought that the start of the mission would be the last time he would make that mistake. After all, he's known Jim for quite a while at this point. Nothing prepared him for the third time he made the same mistake. And it was something he still hasn't quite forgiven himself for due to the circumstances.

He handed a clipboard to his nurse, "Chapel, take care of Ensign Kim, I need to address Lt. Sebastian,"

"Of course, doctor," the woman replied, taking the information and proceeding toward said patient.

The room was full of burn cases, it was an absolute mess. Engineering had an accident and a huge sector of the boiler room just exploded. Casualties were everywhere, and McCoy had to take care of the most severe cases, trying to move on to the less severe cases. As he moved away from Lt. Sebastian, he noticed to med bay doors slide open and Jim bring in a very defiant Vulcan.

"Bones! Spock got burned severely! You have to help him!" Bones looked the Vulcan over, His hands had fairly nasty burns, but the rest of him looked fine. He considered the ramifications; he was Vulcan, which altered his consideration of urgency, but he had other patients that were in a higher priority in the list. The Vulcan had to wait. "get him to one of the beds, I will get to him after I address some of the other officers."

Jim quickly set the Vulcan down, and Spock winced in pain. Kirk turned toward Bones in panic, "Bones, this is severe!" He jogged over to his friend, grabbing his shoulder, "You know how important his hands are, does he not have a high priority?" Bones stared at his friends expression, it was pleading, concerned, and the doctor could not deny that he was concerned as well, but he had to do his job. He could very well loose more lives if he gave Spock priority, "I can't, Jim." Kirk frowned, he knew Bones was simply being reasonable. Of course he knew how to do his job, even Spock hesitated to come to the medical bay because he knew that there were life threatening cases to be looked over. But this was SPOCK.

"Can you just look him over and tell me he's going to be fine?" He followed McCoy to the next patient, and a nurse rushed to him, handing him a PADD with his information. It seemed that McCoy was set on ignoring him. Jim couldn't stop himself, "Please, just a moment." Leonard was a professional, his scowl was set as he sifted through the hypos as set a couple down in tray next to the patient.

He stepped away to retrieve some gauze, as it seemed they were running out-

"Simply a SECOND." He paused, out of mind for a second, but then moved to retrieve his equipment once again.

Kirk took this more as a sign of weakness, "I know you're worried too."

"I'm busy, so let me work," he voice in a heavy tone.

"I'm just asking for a few minutes I won't ask for anything else-"

"Enough, Joanna!" Bones yelled in in an exasperated tone. He had turned his head, but not enough to look at his eye. The Captain flinched at the outburst, but then raised his brows in shock. It seemed that the whole Med Bay had been silenced at his raised voice. He saw how McCoy's face morphed from stern, to shock, to a grimace, and then apologetic, "I'll get to it, ahem, Captain," he muttered, still processing his thoughts, "I'm… doing the best I can."

This was true; it wasn't in the manner that Jim wanted, but it was the best way. Jim nodded numbly and stepped away from the doctor, noticing that the rest of the nurses and doctors turning away again as well and proceeding to do their jobs. He finally reached Spock, who was sitting primly in the side of the biobed.

"I must commend the doctor in his actions, albeit his momentary outburst," Spock began as Jim sat in a chair next to his first officer, "My burns are not deep. This was something he noted upon my entrance," he paused as his superior made no reaction, "It was a logical decision, Captain." "I know," Jim whispered, were he not so worried, he'd have picked on Spock over giving the doctor a compliment. But now wasn't that time. He felt miserable about the fact Spock had to wait, but he felt worse about pushing McCoy into a corner like that. It took thirty minutes for Bones, but finally reached Spock and began to addressed his burns, Kirk stayed quiet and made a weak smile as Spock started a bicker with the doctor, and it did lighten him up considerably. After he finished with Spock, McCoy passed Jim, scrubbing his head, "I'm sorry, Jim."

Later that evening, Jim invited Bones to his courters for a drink, and the next day they were back to their usual antics.

* * *

 _4\. The Bridge to Med Bay_

Jim frowned. Bones hadn't shown up to the bridge in a week. He had gotten quite used to the doctor and his random visits to the bridge. It had been a week since his last visit. Of course, he'd seen him after shifts and the doctor would still show up in his quarters to watch his chess matches with Spock, but the bridge was without his crude commentary. In fact, even some of his senior crew would turn back to look for their talkative friend, meeting eyes with the Captain before turning back to attention. He crossed his legs and drummed his fingers on the armrest. He considered turning the comm on to reach him, but there wasn't really any reason for him to call him over anyhow. The doors to the lift slid open, and it seemed almost all the senior crew turned over to the entrance, even Spock. It was a yeoman. All the officers simply dropped their shoulders and turned back.

The yeoman took offense to the action, huffing as she handed a PADD over to Kirk, "well, I know I'm not important, but no need to look so disappointed." "I'm sorry Ensign uh," Kirk turned cocked his head, she was new.

"Rand," the woman stated stiffly, "Ensign Janice Rand." Kirk grabbed the PADD from her and gave her an apologetic smile, chuckling nervously, "Sorry Ensign Rand, we simply are used to a regular visitor, and they haven't made an appearance yet," he signed off the documents.

The yeoman lifted her brows in recognition, "Oh, are you referring to Lieutenant Commander McCoy?"

Jim glanced up from his PADD, "Yes. Have you seen him today?" The yeoman scoffed, "Yes, Chapel and I saw him snoring- I mean, uh, SORTING work tiredlessly in his office," her eyes were wide as saucers. Jim did not look impressed, but he knew she was only trying to save his hide. Little did she know that Kirk knew the doctor well enough to realize there had to be a reasonable explanation as to why he was sleeping in his office. He handed the PADD back to the woman and did not dismiss her, awaiting an explanation.

The woman, amusingly enough, rolled her eyes at his stare, "He's been working on an antidote for a flu that has recently been starting up with some of our recent recruits. He's taken overtime shifts and Chapel and I resorted to knocking him out."

There was a concerned expression on Jims face, and Rand frowned, "With a sedative, Captain." The man in question formed a silent 'O' at this explanation. Chekov and Sulu snickered to themselves from their posts. Kirk glared at the back of their heads before turning back to the Ensign. "Okay, yes, I suppose that is acceptable," not really acceptable, but he didn't want to start a lecture right now, "is there another doctor on hand?"

The yeoman nodded. Kirk sighed, "Alright. I suppose all's well. Dismissed, Miss Rand." The woman gave a salute, and then turned to leave, but turned back around, "I uh, just to let you know. He NEEDED rest, alright? I don't believe we should be held responsible." Kirk turned back to her with his eyebrows raised skeptically, was this woman sassing him? She nodded to herself before leaving to the lift. For a long time, all that was heard was the noises of fidgeting from the Captain's chair.

People were almost relieved when Jim finally spoke, "Spock, take the comm," practically blurting it out as he rose from his chair.

When he arrives to the Med bay, he received many worried looks from the other nurses. Most likely fear of their doctor getting into major trouble. One nurse stopped him, explaining the doctor was very busy, and after he shook him off, another started describing the issue of the flu and how many hours the doctor had worked. Jim tried to hid a smile at how loyal his staff was. He finally arrived to the office and opened his door with his Captain's override. "ngaha?" Bones sat up abruptly at the sound of his door sliding open, "whatkindofantioboticsdidyouaskfor?" his voice slurred out. Jim shook his head, amused at the doctors attempt to crack his eyes open.

"Why aren't you in bed?" Jim questioned, his arms crossed. Bones finally started to slowly sober up, srubbing his face, "Clearly, I'm on duty."

"Yes, napping is specified on your daily tasks as CMO," Kirk countered sarcastically. "It was mutiny," Bones yawned, "I'm up now though."

"Go to your quarters, I'm clearing you for duty." That sobered him up slightly, "But I'm busy." He reasoned, "I have to figure out a solution for this flu."

"Rest up, Bones," was all Jim said to that. McCoy stood up, but quickly regretted it, as he felt the exhaustion all too strongly. "I'm good," he lied, and Jim crossed his arms, "Then why are you staring at the floor like it has personally offended you?"

"I'm just analyzing," Bones answered, glancing up.

The Captain smirked, "You sound like Spock."

"Don't be nasty, Jim, I don't ever recall taking personal jabs on you," he yawned again. This time Jim placed a hand on his back and another on his torse, "lets get you at least to a biobed." The doctor hobbled to the direction he was guided, "there better be a patient to attend to in that biobed."

"Maybe," Kirk replied, watching McCoy's head bob up sharply, trying not to fall asleep. They finally reached to bed and he began to lay the doctor down. "A patient might need this," he argued.

His eyes closed as he spoke. "Go to sleep," The captain ordered, "or I won't let you… 'doctor' anything anymore," he gestured vaguely around the room.

A frown appeared on Bones' face, "You wouldn't dare…" he mumbled. "SLEEP," Jim stated, exasperated.

"I will," Bones muttered, "But I'll tell your mom about the vase," Kirk scrunched his face in confusion. What? The nurses nearest to him began to snicker until he turned sharply. They settled down. "Vase?" Kirk questioned, he didn't remember ever breaking a vase recently, and why would Bones tell his mother about something so trivial? "You know what you did, Jo," with that, he fell into a heavy sleep. Well, that explained what he meant. He then made his way to Chapel, "Inform me when he waked me up. I've cleared him for duty until he's rested eight hours," he glanced back at the doctor and turned back to her, "And tell him that his threatening game is savage." Poor Jo.

* * *

 _+1. After Altamid_

Bones noted that Jim looked a bit antsy. It seemed to happen after he read through Spock's report this morning. He wasn't entirely sure what could have warranted his uncomfortable reaction, but there it was. The kid was tapping his foot insistently, leaning forward from his chair with enough potential energy to fuel the whole enterprise if ignited. Bones shifted his weight to his right foot, crossing his arms.

"You okay, kid?" he whispered to him. Kirk's eyes darted swiftly toward the surgeon, but he said nothing. He simply stared at him, analyzing, with a gaze that almost burned a hole between his eyes. "Jesus, kid, stare at me any longer like that and you may slice my face with those glaring daggers," he muttered, "Got something to say? Spit it out."

Jim stood up swiftly, "Conference room. With your report," Kirk uttered. His eyes then trained on Spock, narrowed, and then he glanced back at Bones, "Spock, man the comm."

"Affirmative, Captain," Spock replied coolly, walking to the Captain's chair wearily.

Some of the senior crew glanced back at Jim, "Do you need all of us Keptin?" Chekov inquired hesitantly.

"No, I want Spock, Chek-, Su-, Uhu-BONES," he states the right name defiantly pointing at the doctor, "Bones, ahem, to come to the conference room with me."

The doctor gives him an unimpressed look, "Anyone else you want to invite to the party, kid?" "Just you, Bones," Jim huffed, scrubbing his face. As they walked through the halls, McCoy adjusted his tricorder, feigning a depressed tone, "I feel kind of bad, being so low on the list of names you call out. Spock? Really? He's the first name you blurt out? We've been friends since the start of the academy. I've known you longer and this is how you repay me?"

Jim didn't even turned to the man, "I don't want to hear that from the man who calls me Jo." This time Bones actually looked offended, "My daughter, whom I care about very much? That offends you, Captain?" he stops fiddling with his tricorder, staring back at the blond in the eye, "Don't know what bit your ass this morning, but that should be a compliment."

"You misinterpret," Kirk retorts, exasperated, "I'm not a kid. I can very well manage myself. Besides, I have to memorize so many names, that it is ridiculous. Forgive me for being human."

Sighing, McCoy patting Jim's shoulder, "Alright, calm down, kid."

"Do you do that to her, too?" Jim questioned deadpanned. Leonard raises a brow, amused, "Yes, and I also do it to Chekov, Scotty, and Sulu. In fact, you might even say it's my personal 'dismissed' order for my patients. I know you're capable, Jim. You're just reckless and young."

"But I'm Captain for a reason," Jim countered, unable to hide the hint of agitation in his voice. McCoy rose a brow, "Your reading far too much into my actions." "You called Spock Jo," Kirk blurted out, and McCoy wavered, "what?"

"You called him Jo, back in Altamid. He told me in his reports," this was silly, Jim knew, but now it's even sillier hearing it from his ears. And Bones knew it too, "What the hell does it matter?"

"You've only ever called me Jo," he muttered. Bones stopped walking, "…What did you eat for lunch today?"

"I'm serious, Bones!" Jim cried out, "It's weird. I feel like you and Spock have this whole bickering business going on. We bicker too, but you seem to banter with him way more than me. About research, facts, science. I know that stuff too! I can debate too! Spock and I have our little disputes, but he's never as miffed as he is with you. And YOU, you never get into discussions of your medical expertise with me. We never talk about that stuff. Both of you seemed to have gotten closer without me, and… and you've left me behind." He had his fists gripped tightly, "YOU left me behind."

Bones blinked, this wasn't about being called Jo. It was about something else, and the doctor could take a good guess on what, "Kid… Jim. I'm not sure what you're worried about, but Spock and I aren't leaving you behind. Sure, we've been getting on better terms," he frowned admitting that, it seemed like an unspoken rule never to mention that, "but that doesn't mean that we aren't close to you anymore."

Jim still didn't look at him, but he kept walking, with Leonard following, "You're not Spock in the same manner that I'm not you and the same way that Spock isn't me. You interact with us differently. I know you're a smart kid, and I know that you can see things in different points of views, so why the hell would I argue about my profession with you? You don't point out Spock's heritage every five minutes, so why would Spock feel the need to bring up these subjects when he knows you understand him? We learn about each other in a different manner. I would never be able to sit with Spock with a drink like I do with you in the same manner that I wouldn't be able to play chess with him in the way you would with him. He can feel free to open up to you, whereas his pride prevents him from showing anything but smugness around me. I'll never be able to talk about my divorce in the same manner as I do with you to him. And I'm sure there are things you talk to Spock about that you'd never mention to me, and vise versa. You forget that the interactions between yourself and us are just as important and just as consistent."

They both stop at the conference room. Jim finally turns to Bones with a what could only be a touched look. He opens his mouth, but blinks, confused, and shuts it. He lets out a sigh as he punches in the codes to the conference room, "Do you have your reports?" Bones nods.

Jim places his hands behind his back, "good, good… so uh… let's get to it." Jim steps inside, but Bones hesitates before walking in, "You gunna be alright, kid?"

Kirk glanced back at the doctor, "I will be. After you come meet me in my quarters after this."

"Why, if I'd have known better, I'd think that would be a proposition," Bones chuckled lightheartedly.

Kirk smirked before turning back to the conference table, "Oh it is," he stated casually.

Bones lifted his head up sharply in shock, "Wait, what?"

"Reports, Bones! Hop to it!"


End file.
